No one said that marriage was going to be easy, and it isn't. However, we somehow seem to think that it will be for us when we first get married. We can beat those odds of 1 out of every 2 marriages ending in divorce because we are in love, and we will live, "happily ever after." Then we get married.
After being married for awhile we realize that we really don't know what we're doing. The only models of marriage we had were our parents and those of our friends. Some of those marriages may have been happy, some were not, so we're left with having to figure out what works and what doesn't. If you're reading this to begin to answer the question, "How do I save my marriage," then you know that most of the time we end up figuring out what DOESN'T work but still have no idea of what does work.
So, I have 3 ways that WILL work to help you transform your marriage and will help you get your marriage back to that "happily ever after" situation you wanted in the first place.
1.) The first is to realize that arguments are based on hurt and resentment.
You need to realize that most of your arguments are coming from hurt and misunderstandings and those areas of hurt are what really need to be addressed to make some major changes in your marriage.
So, for example, if you're arguing about your love life being in a slump. One person says, "We never make love anymore." Making love is not really the main issue. The main issue is that one spouse is hurt because they don't feel attractive or loved anymore. So if you focus on making your partner feel more attractive and loved, you will probably find that this argument goes away pretty quickly.
First of all the word "never" is never true. So to say, "We NEVER make love anymore," probably isn't true. They are really saying, "We don't make love as much as we used to, and that's making me feel unattractive or unloved."
If you can focus on making your partner feel more loved in other ways this argument will most likely go away. Remember, the real issue is that your partner is hurt because they feel like you don't love them or they don't turn you on anymore.
If you understand that the disagreements in your marriage are coming from hurt and resentment, then you can focus on healing those hurts and fixing the real problems that plague your marriage.
2.)The second key in answering the question, "How do I save my marriage," is to not be who you think your spouse wants you to be.
What? I can transform my marriage by not being the person my spouse wants me to be? No, what I'm saying is to not try to be the person you THINK your spouse wants you to be. So many times when a marriage is in trouble, one spouse tries to save it by doing all the things they think their spouse wants them to do Then sadly, they are shocked when they've made all these changes, and their spouse still hands them divorce papers.
Now I'm not saying to not make some changes to who you are, but you need to make them for the right reason. You need to become more loving, caring, understanding, etc., because you want to be a better person, not to try to save your marriage. If your partner has complained to you over the years that you are thoughtless and insensitive because you do such and such, you should try to change those things about yourself in order to make yourself the best person you can be.
If you only try to change because you hope it will save your marriage, your spouse will feel that and resent it because they will feel like they are being played. You need to make some changes that YOU don't like about yourself to become a better person, with no other ulterior motive. Surprisingly, this is going to make you very attractive to your spouse. The transformation this can make is incredible.
3.)The third key in saving your marriage is to love your partner in a way that "feels" like love to them.
This is critical to answering the question, "How do I save my marriage?" Gary Chapman wrote a fantastic book in this area called, The Five Love Languages. In it he talks about how there are 5 different ways that people express and receive love.
1. Affirming Words- this is basically saying sweet and loving things to your partner.
2. Quality Time- this is loving your partner by spending time together.
3. Gifts- this one's kind of obvious, it's loving someone by giving or receiving gifts.
4. Acts Of Service- this is loving someone by doing nice things for them, like laundry, cooking meals, cleaning the house, etc.
5. Touch- simply hugging, kissing, holding each other, making love, etc.
Without going into depth on what's covered in this book, the main point made in this book is that oftentimes, we are married to someone who speaks a different "love language" than we do. So, if you mainly see that loving your spouse is done by giving them gifts(Gift Giving), they may see love expressed by spending time together(Quality Time).
So you bring home flowers and candy as a way of saying, "I love you," but it doesn't really seem to change anything in your relationship. That's because you are actually speaking different languages when it comes to love. If you try to learn which of the five love languages your spouse "speaks," start learning to "speak" that love language. Transformation is almost inevitable.
You CAN have a "happily ever after" type of marriage but you have to know how to do it. Let me ask you:
Are you tired of the way your spouse is treating you? Do you feel like you're not being respected, heard or loved by your partner?
Does it seem like you're fighting all the time about things like money and sex? You can't seem to resolve anything and the arguments just linger....?
Has your partner cheated on you? Are you surviving the pain of an affair?
Has your partner already walked out the door?
There is a powerful and proven method that can get your marriage back on track, even if you and your spouse can't communicate about anything! Even if you are the only one who wants to work on it.
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